To that time, that you told me you loved me and I just started hysterically giggling because I was really focused on not shitting my pants.
- You gave me your button up when I’m cold.
- You asked me to bring pickles.
- You kiss me when I’m sleeping and tell me about it.
- You laugh about me sleep tooting.
- You call me. All the time.
- You talk to my best friends.
- You ask me how my dad’s doing.
You know that super cliche and lame saying “there’s a little bit of truth behind every just kidding”? How much truth?
My man, who’s not my man, tends to make ‘jokes’ and then when I think he’s being serious, and either shut down or get obviously upset, he claims he’s joking. But he’ll continue to make the same joke.
Now, I don’t want to shit on him as a person. Because honestly he’s pretty fucking rad, and he’s definitely treated me better than anyone else I’ve ever been with (although from some of my posts I’m sure that’s not hard to believe). He treats me wonderfully, and I love his sense of humour.
So, am I being an over-emotional lil’ bitch (my words) or is he secretly trying to tell me something, but pussies out when I get sad?
I’m conflicted, and the more I think about it, the more I panic. And I really don’t want to panic. He always makes jokes. About everything. Not just things that make me sad, but lots of topics.
So, readers, if anyone is out there, give me advice. What can I say that says “hey, if that how you feel, then that’s okay, but if it’s not how you feel, then like … stop with the jokes”
I mean I could probably just say it that way, but where’s the fun in that?
If you knew me 7 years ago, you wouldn’t believe that I’m the same person.
If you knew me even two years ago you wouldn’t believe I’m the same person.
I’ve been through shit.
And like I say, probably too often, I’m not always proud of shit I’ve done.
The guy I lost my virginity to was the one who smacked me. That obviously set a pretty low standard for “love” for me. I put it in quotations because back then I thought that’s what love was. A few months later I went to a party. I drank too much. I went to bed alone. I woke up in a terrible condition and was told by the girl who was supposed to be my best friend in high school that some guy came into my tent and had sex with me. She didn’t stop it. No one else there stopped it. I was so incoherent. I was also told I called him the wrong name. Clearly, had no clue what was going on.
In university I started dating this guy, and he was so ashamed of me and made me feel like complete trash, but manipulated me into thinking I needed him. I was the “college” girlfriend while he had a girlfriend back home the entire time.
Shortly after, I reached out to a friend to talk about how to get over a breakup, as he was going through one too. We became close, we dated, I was hesitant, he told me he loved me, I believed it. He cheated on me and got another girl pregnant and moved to BC literal days after I found out and ended it with him.
I wanted to disconnect feelings from sex. I wanted to hurt guys the way they always tended to hurt me.
I had causal hook ups. Repeats. Rarely a one night stand, but I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for these guys, and that I’d drop them on a dime if I found someone better.
I lied to myself saying it was fun. Or cool. Or whatever to make myself sleep and feel like a godess when in reality I was the epitome of trash.
And then I met my most recent ex. And he was different. And everyone said he was different. And the good different. And I wasn’t sure. So I waited. We hung out, basically dating but without the title for 9 months before we made it official. The whole time he was still hooking up with his ex. Because he accidentally sent me a text he meant to send her (with her name in it). And he also accidentally called me her name one day. And I told myself I couldn’t be mad because we weren’t official. But I was hurt. But he was different, according to everyone else. We dated for 5 years. And I’d be lying if I said the last three I was happy. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want out after 2. And that I didn’t try. But I stayed. Because that’s what you do. You work it out. But we didn’t argue. So there wasn’t really working out to do. It was our personalities that were incompatible.
It wasn’t until we broke up that everyone started telling me we weren’t right for eachother. The same people who encouraged it. The same people who “wished they had what we have”.
Shortly after I made a friend from talking about pokemon. I told him I didn’t want a relationship. He didn’t either. He told me he loved me after 6 weeks, I told him it wasn’t like that, I remember the timing because he said “it’s been 6 weeks. I thought we were there”. He threatened to kill himself if I didn’t give him a chance.
I didn’t. He didn’t.
I relapsed into my ex. Because maybe he was good. Maybe he was different. Maybe I was being irrational.
He was sleeping with another girl the entire time of our relapse. And then re-ended it with me a day before going “Facebook official” with the other girl (fact, also his ex before me. If that’s not foreshadowing idk what is).
I’ve been hurt, and betrayed, and broken, and beat down in possibly every sense. But I still believe in loving another human being. And wanting to find that one.
I’m definitely fucked up from it. I’ll never say I’m not mentally, emotionally or even physically traumatized from this. It’s always going to weigh on me. I’m always going to have gut feelings of “this has happened before and it lead to _____” fill in the blank. But I also know that there are good people. And that there are people who don’t want to intentionally fuck you up.
I’m that girl that will make plans, and have zero intention on following through on them two seconds after I agree to it.
Obviously it depends whether its one of my true ride or dies, but if you’re just someone new in my life, I’m going to be super shitty to get a hold of and actually follow through with plans.
I don’t know why I do it, but I do. I don’t know why I can’t just be like “sorry man, (even if it’s a female) I’d rather just lay in bed naked and watch jersey shore family reunion” (because don’t even lie to me and tell me you’re not watching it). I wish I could. But I don’t want people to perceive me as rude. But I’m also pretty rude for bailing every time. Catch 22.
I’ve probably lost a lot of friends by doing this. Potential friends too. And maybe if I wasn’t such a homebody in a sense, this wouldn’t happen. But shout out to anyone who wants to hang out — you’ve now been warned. And, to the people I rarely bail one, know that you’re one of my ride or dies.
How can you tell someone, that you’re not officially dating, that you love them?
Let’s be real, it’s easy to tell a new friend that you love them. Easy to grab your pet, hold them in your arms as much as they struggle to get out, and tell them you love them. Easy to kiss a new baby on the head and whisper to them that you love him/her. So, why does it become so complicated when you have someone you know, where there is obvious sexual chemistry, and a very strong connection? I was venting to two of my friends about this, and one of these bitches (endearing way) said something along the lines of “just because you’re not dating, doesn’t mean you can’t love him” and it’s true. I tell people on a daily basis, that I’m not dating, that I love them. However, I’m going to say on average, 99.99999999% of those are to other females. But I think my friend still has a point.
It complicates things though. And is that what I want? To complicate a good thing? Or should I just let it continue to play out? But there have been numerous times where in the last month that he will say something, or do something, and I nearly “word vomit” that I love him. And is that how I want it to come out? After he tells me he needs to cancel his crispy roll subscription, and when I ask WTF that is, he tells me it’s the way he used to watch anime, and it just makes me realise how fucking cute he is, and how much I love his soul.
Maybe. I mean, it would make for a good story. When did you know? When he dirty talked anime to me. When he preemptively bought cherry blasters. When he surprised me with dinner plans. When I woke up to him stroking my face and telling me how beautiful I am. When he finally opened up to me and showed me his vulnerable side. When he talked about how much he respects his best friend. When he showed me his baby pictures. etc.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I have been word vomit-gagging for the past two months. But, how soon do you say it? Especially to someone you’re not technically dating?
Sooner rather than later, I think.