Permanent Limbo

I feel like I’m forever in limbo with all my unavailable boys.

For the most part, I’ve put myself in check with the guy from Texas. I still like him, and we still talk regularly, but I was getting too far into it. And I got butt hurt. And that’s not a good look for me (or anyone for that matter). Sometimes I fall back into it, he’s sweet, and kind, and that fucking southern charm gets me every time. But I quickly pull my head out of my ass and get it together.

So, to the more recent guy, who I’ve done the past few posts about: he’s great. And I feel like I’m putting myself in the exact same situation. He’s not available (apparently).

Anyway, him and I legitimately talk all day. Every day. And I was chatting with one of my girlfriends about him and his (fake) girlfriend and she told me how it is.

She doesn’t think that he has a girlfriend. Based off the fact that we talk all the time. And I made the argument that he’s long distant. So she probably doesn’t even know about me. Which is fine since we’re just friends, right? Anyway, she said that no guy, in his right mind, would think it’s okay to talk to another girl as often as we do. And not that our conversations are overly sexual, but they do have clear and obvious flirtation in it.

So, I’ve been trying to get more details about the girl. But he’s fairly private, however a bit less with me now. But I can’t just start asking questions about her, because that’s weird. He hadn’t talked about her or where she lives since early August. The other night he was talking about how he’s supporting about 4 different areas with work right now, and I told him he deserves a vacation, and he said he was doing a staycation (lame) and I told him he was due for a trip to where she lives, and he said he was going. So I really don’t know. I thought maybe they broke up because a few weeks back he was super short and stressed and less chatty, and I thought maybe that was why, but apparently not.

So dilemma, first, I’m still a bad person for being into someone who has someone else. Secondly, maybe he’s a bad person for talking to me and having this weird relationship we have while he’s in an actual relationship. Or we’re both bad people but like … three lefts make a right, right?

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Does Age matter?

Okay guys, I know I’ve been shit at blogging lately. And I apologize. Life is busy and hectic and chaotic etc. And I’m sure if I have any loyal followers that you’ll understand.

Tonight I come to you with a problem.

So the usual.

About a boy.

What a fucking shocker.

Here goes.

He’s a bit older than me (10 years).

We previously worked together (and kind of still do, but not directly).

He’s my go-to person. He’s the first person I talk to every day, and usually one of the last every night (not always because he goes to bed hella early because he’s old AF).

He’s got a LD girlfriend in the states (honestly I’m not exactly convinced she exists, and he hasn’t mentioned her or where she lives in over a month).

Some mutual friends and colleagues question his sexuality.

He came out with my girlfriend and myself the other night on my birthday and it was really cool to spend time with him outside of work. I like his personality, and I think he’s got a good heart. He helps me make choices and I feel like I can go to him about problems. He used to help me with my tinder profile, until I deleted tinder. I felt like he was drifting a bit away from me for a week or so, but he came back around, and shortly after I told him I deleted tinder.

I feel like he’s into me, because why else would a guy talk to me pretty well 24/7? Am I (young and) naive? Should I straight up ask him what the situation is? Should I find a way to use my best friend as an “ice breaker”, so to speak? (Omg, you’ll laugh so hard, she asked me how long I’ve been seeing you without telling her! Ahah ahaha isn’t that funny?! Ahahaha butdoyouactuallylikeme ahahahaha). I feel like that option may work, but I also feel like he’s really smart and will see right through it (why would I hide a great guy from my BFF?).

So I’m blindly reaching out to you, blog readers – if there is anyone out there.

Help me either initiate a bomb ass relationship, or put myself in check before I get hurt by someone else who’s unavailable.

PS, it’s the guy from my post ” Well that clarifies things”

Well, that clarified things

The other night I was talking to one of my closest guy friends (I’ll do a post on him another day, because that’s a good story), and I was telling him about a customer who was hitting on me (it happens quite a bit, but usually they’re in their 60s or older).

As I was talking to him, I mentioned that this particular customer was not “the dream” so he asked me what was the dream, and it took me a few minutes to gather, but this is what I came up with:

  • Someone who’s an old soul like me
  • Someone who would rather binge breaking bad or the office for the tenth time than go out
  • Someone who can be silly
  • Traveller, gypsy soul
  • Board game lover
  • Someone who enjoys reading
  • Someone who won’t bullshit me
  • Baseball fan

Not a huge list of requests (although as someone who’s been single for about a year, maybe I need to cut it back?) but I realized three things.

First, I realized that of all those things that I genuinely care about, my ex only checks two of those, sometimes three. And that’s a big deal to me to really see he is not my match anymore.

Secondly, I want someone with similar interests of mine. In all my relationships I’ve never had much in common with my boyfriends. Which is great because I get to learn new things about things they love, but it seems like they’re never willing to do the same.

Thirdly, and this will bring me into my next big post, the guy that I’ve told this too, pretty well hits all the boxes. And that’s so strange, because when we first started talking I never expected an actual friendship out of it, let alone potentially having emotions towards him.

Life is fucking weird.

It hurts

He got what he wanted and now he’s over it.

I get it.

It can’t be anything. The distance. Trust me, I get it.

But you weren’t supposed to be the same as all the rest.

You’re not supposed to be over it. Not this soon after getting what you wanted.

But I get it now.

I just so badly wanted you to be different.

404: Feels Unavailable

Guys, I don’t get it. 

It’s come to my attention, while chatting with one of my closest friends that maybe I’m into people who are unavailable. 

And not necessarily in a “home-wrecking” sense, before anyone gets their gitch in a knot. 

I’m into people who are physically unavailable. Maybe they live in Texas. I’m into people who are emotionally unavailable. Maybe they are dating someone. I’m into people who are mentally unavailable. Maybe they just lost a loved one. 

And I’m trying to dicipher why this is. And my only explanation is this: I’m not ready to date anyone. So I find comfort in people who aren’t in any position to date me either. We can build this beautiful base of friendship, but it realistically can’t blossom into anything more than that. Not right away anyway. 

This theory conflicts me. Because that means that even after being single for nearly a year, I know I’m still not ready for a new relationship. But that’s also really good that I can recognize that. The old me would have jumped into a rebound and been miserable again. 

So cheers to me for knowing what I’m ready for. Or rather, what I’m not ready for.

I broke the cardinal rule.

Guys. I fucked up. 

Bad.

I broke the number one rule. 

Maybe not in the order that I wrote them, but the most important rule of any non-realistic relationship. 

I caught feels. Big time.

So. Since I went to Texas, I’ve been chatting with a guy I met there through mutual friends. He was incredibly sexy, but I was way too shy to make a move. At one point he was in the bathroom with me (Texas showers are confusing, okay?) And we were talking, and guys, the sexual tension: out of this world. I have never wanted to kiss someone so badly. Which says a lot considering I hate kissing. Anyway, there was no kiss. And we spent another night together but I left without any Texas BBQ if you know what I mean. 

So fast forward three months. We talk daily. And he makes me so happy. And he recently went to visit family close to the border and I begged him to sneak away for the day so we could hang out. And he did. 

I’m not joking when I say it was the best date I’ve ever been on. It’s been a week and I still can’t stop smiling about him and our day. I still think about how his hand felt in mine. How he twirled me around in the casino. How he joked about us spending our life savings on slot machines. Our first kiss, soft and slow, and how as the day progressed they got deeper, more passionate, as if trying to turn one kiss into a million. 

Guys. I fucking cried when I left. Me. The one who claims she doesn’t feel anything. 

I caught the feels bad. 

I’m *almost* sleeping with someone

Okay guys. I’m torn right now. 

For anyone who’s been following my antics you know that I’m just establishing myself in a new city as a single, decently average looking lady. And I’ve been spending minimal time using some dating apps (seriously, I jump on maybe once a week) swiping some cuties. And I matched with this one guy. 

He’s nice. And intelligent. And cute. And I think he has a lot of money (which never hurts). But he also dabbles with hard drugs. 

Now. I’m not looking for a husband. Or a baby daddy or any of that shit. I’m not here to tell anyone how to live their lives, especially someone I barely know. But it honestly terrifies me.

It’s not something I’ve been exposed to. And he does it maybe once a month (or so he says). So here’s my struggle: as some one who has never dabbled in that way, and someone who does not support that habit, can I continue to have a potential hook-up situation with this guy? It would never be more based on that fact alone. But am I okay with it enough to still get what I need from him? I told him I don’t want to be around while he’s on stuff or when he does it and I don’t think that’s asking too much. 

Here’s the other thing; I think he may be looking for something more. Last night he told me I’m his dream girl. And then he asked me if I would ever consider moving to the states. I’m not saying he’s in love with me, he hardly knows me, but can I in good health go into this with a straight mind knowing for me it’s nothing more because of his habits? Or is it going to complicate things in the long run?

Forever an Instigator

Okay. So the forbidden fruit. Quote unquote. 

Hypothetically lets say there is someone who you know you shouldn’t date. Whether it’s a good friends ex, or a sibling of your BFF or a coworker, or hey, maybe it’s someone in a relationship (I’m not here to judge, you can judge yourself) the forbidden fruit is always so tempting. 

Is the risk worth the reward? Is it something worth taking a risk for? 

I think it’s dependant on each situation and you really need to make your own choices. For me, there’s a sweet apple on a table. And I kind of want it. I know I shouldn’t. I know it could be bad for me. And honestly for him too. 

Someone from my past reached out to me. And I’m not going to say anything else about how I know him, but we chatted for a bit and to me, there seemed to be some sexual tension in the chat. So I asked my girlfriend to decipher. 

I’ve put the initial flirting on him. He started it. But she pointed out to me that I may have instigated it too. I said I just looped back to the topic. Which okay, I did do that. But I wanted to see if he was serious. It sounds like he was. 

I’m also horrible at reading people. Maybe I’m misreading the tone, because text is impossible to convey tone. So do I go with no intentions of it being anything but catching up with a friend? Or do I tell him I can’t due to the forbiddenness of the situation, and then be really uncomfortable when he says it wasn’t like that? Part of me wants to say don’t go because I know it could impact both of us negatively, however, he said he wants to take me to a high end steak house … and the girls gotta eat.