Tonight, I come to you genuinely upset.
I feel like maybe I say this too often for it to be true, but for the most part I feel like I’m not the type of girl to allow her emotions to get the best of her, or the type of girl to be overly emotional about … well anything really. So I’m feeling a lot out of my element tonight.
For anyone who has been following, you’ll know my weird friendship with the guy who I’ve written about the past few posts. He’s kind, and funny, and weird, and someone that I respect and go to about absolutely everything. He’s the first person I went to last week when I got really bad news, and also the first person I went to when I got some really good news this week. He is one of my best friends, and I value him so much. I don’t have a lot of friends – but he’s incredibly important to me, and I’d never want to do anything to jeopardise what we have.
Cue dumb AF me.
We were both attending a work conference where they set us up in a hotel for a couple of nights. The first night I had a room to myself, and he came up once he checked in, and we chatted and it was just really natural and easy, the way it always is on the few occasions we’ve hung out. It doesn’t seem forced, or awkward, and sometimes there’s tensions, but not in an awkward way (in my opinion). We talked about travel, and music, and watched some videos, and hung out. That was it. He laid in my bed, but not once did I think he was making a move on me, and then after a while, he left to his own room. Friendship in tact.
The next morning, we went out together for coffee before our meetings started, and during the day we distanced ourselves. We’re different areas within the company, so it wouldn’t exactly be natural for us to spend a copious amount of time with him at a meeting. Plus, I feel like when it comes to my outside work relationships (platonic or otherwise) I want to keep private from colleagues (unless they’re one of the few colleagues I’d actually consider a friend).
We were messaging throughout the day, and he seemed off, and I could tell something was bothering him. And like always, I offered any support I could be, whether someone to vent to, or someone just to distract him from what was going on. He ended up going for a walk solo and staying in his room for the night. I, on the other hand, attempted to mingle with other staff (at the bar of course) and catch up with a few people I haven’t seen since moving. I also ended up talking to a few higher ups about a promotion I was offered and just my few concerns about it. The person whose opinion I wanted the most, obviously being my friends, I was messaging him saying I wanted life chats, because like I said, he’s my go to person for everything. So he invited me to his room, since his roommate left early. So after a few drinks (and a shot of patron) I went up.
Again, it felt natural, and unforced. Just hanging out with your best friend. I laid in his bed and told him the offer, and we collectively compared my other few options, and then he offered his suggestion on what to do. Not that he would ever want to think that he has any sway or say in my life choices, but again, as one of my closest friends, I value his opinion a lot, and I know he would want what is best for me.
And then something must have shifted. I don’t know who instigated it, whether it was me, or him, or if it was just natural flow of our night, but we ended up kissing. I know he shouldn’t have. I know I should have stopped it. But I didn’t. And honestly, I don’t regret not pulling away. I genuinely like this guy. I should kiss him. I deserved to. At one point, it got much more heated, and I had finally gotten over the bliss and joy and confusion and excitement of kissing this guy that has been my rock for the last 5 months to get my head out of my ass. I told him I didn’t want him to do anything he would later regret doing. And he gave me some line about how he liked me but how he was in a bad spot mentally and how he thought we had something different. And I agreed that we have something, and I reminded him that I felt like I was mentally in a good spot, and that I would support him in whatever he chose to do. And that was it. We stopped kissing. I think we cuddled, and I guess eventually I fell asleep in his bed.
Fast forward a few hours later, and he wakes me up. I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out.
It was good. The anticipation took it from one level to the next. It was almost bliss, again, for this to be happening with a guy I so deeply care about who I’ve been developing feelings for during the past 5 months especially. I couldn’t get back to sleep after. My brain couldn’t shut off – maybe that should have been a sign to leave and go to my own bed and get some real sleep. But I didn’t. I left around 6:45 AM, and went up to my room.
I got ready for the meeting, and went to a coffee shop across the road to get myself and my roommate a coffee (with the lack of sleep, I think I ended up drinking at least 72 coffees during the day). I passed him in the hall, and he looked so good. I know I was blushing. We chatted in passing, and I dropped off the coffees before heading down to the meetings.
And then I got a text.
“I’m really sorry about last night. I feel awful. Kind of why I just completely ducked out of there today…”
So I asked why he was sorry.
“Because I shouldn’t have done that last night. I wasn’t happy. And basically used you to try and make myself happy for a brief moment. Even though I knew it would end up sending me into a deeper spiral. I always fuck things up.”
Ok. So that was kind of soul crushing to read surrounded by about 250 of my colleagues. Here I was, thinking maybe I broke through to this guy, and we finally just got all the tension out of the way that has been building up. He finally opened up to me, personally, and then romantically (I want to vom even typing that).
So I replied. “I don’t really know how to respond to that. But I get it. I feel like people do things when they’re upset to not be upset. I’ll do my best to withhold judgment on that, but kind of shitty for me. But maybe it’s a lesson of not putting myself in that situation? I don’t know. I could have said no, and I didn’t. That’s on me. I feel like there is (was?) obvious tension between us, but maybe that’s just me.”
And then I offered my support to help him go through whatever it is that he’s going through, whether someone to vent to, distract, but I also offered to step back if he needed it. Which maybe he does to figure it all out. And that’s it.
I haven’t gone more than 4 days without talking to him since May. And I don’t want to. But I also feel like I need to give him a few days to sort himself out. And maybe reach out at the end of the week. But I’m also fairly sure that he’s going to visit his LD girlfriend (still not convinced that’s real) at the end of the month. But I don’t know when he’s leaving. So should I just wait it out until he reaches out? Or should I reach out and hopefully don’t message him while he’s with his girlfriend?
It seems to be a trend for me to be interested in people who are mentally in a bad spot. I want to fix people. I want to help. I want to support. But maybe this is a trend I need to break, or maybe it just shows that above all, I care.