Silly Snaps

Snapchat may be the death of me. It also may be a major reason in why I’m so single.

Because who likes a girl who drunkenly sends snaps and then doesn’t remember what she said? And then it being awkward AF after. Or not a awkward at all, because it can’t be awkward when you’re getting ghosted.

It was nice while it lasted. Oral skills on point.

Sorry not sorry that I’m a mess.

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Used.

Tonight, I come to you genuinely upset.
I feel like maybe I say this too often for it to be true, but for the most part I feel like I’m not the type of girl to allow her emotions to get the best of her, or the type of girl to be overly emotional about … well anything really. So I’m feeling a lot out of my element tonight.

For anyone who has been following, you’ll know my weird friendship with the guy who I’ve written about the past few posts. He’s kind, and funny, and weird, and someone that I respect and go to about absolutely everything. He’s the first person I went to last week when I got really bad news, and also the first person I went to when I got some really good news this week. He is one of my best friends, and I value him so much. I don’t have a lot of friends – but he’s incredibly important to me, and I’d never want to do anything to jeopardise what we have.

Cue dumb AF me.

We were both attending a work conference where they set us up in a hotel for a couple of nights. The first night I had a room to myself, and he came up once he checked in, and we chatted and it was just really natural and easy, the way it always is on the few occasions we’ve hung out. It doesn’t seem forced, or awkward, and sometimes there’s tensions, but not in an awkward way (in my opinion). We talked about travel, and music, and watched some videos, and hung out. That was it. He laid in my bed, but not once did I think he was making a move on me, and then after a while, he left to his own room. Friendship in tact.

The next morning, we went out together for coffee before our meetings started, and during the day we distanced ourselves. We’re different areas within the company, so it wouldn’t exactly be natural for us to spend a copious amount of time with him at a meeting. Plus, I feel like when it comes to my outside work relationships (platonic or otherwise) I want to keep private from colleagues (unless they’re one of the few colleagues I’d actually consider a friend).

We were messaging throughout the day, and he seemed off, and I could tell something was bothering him. And like always, I offered any support I could be, whether someone to vent to, or someone just to distract him from what was going on. He ended up going for a walk solo and staying in his room for the night. I, on the other hand, attempted to mingle with other staff (at the bar of course) and catch up with a few people I haven’t seen since moving. I also ended up talking to a few higher ups about a promotion I was offered and just my few concerns about it. The person whose opinion I wanted the most, obviously being my friends, I was messaging him saying I wanted life chats, because like I said, he’s my go to person for everything. So he invited me to his room, since his roommate left early. So after a few drinks (and a shot of patron) I went up.

Again, it felt natural, and unforced. Just hanging out with your best friend. I laid in his bed and told him the offer, and we collectively compared my other few options, and then he offered his suggestion on what to do. Not that he would ever want to think that he has any sway or say in my life choices, but again, as one of my closest friends, I value his opinion a lot, and I know he would want what is best for me.

And then something must have shifted. I don’t know who instigated it, whether it was me, or him, or if it was just natural flow of our night, but we ended up kissing. I know he shouldn’t have. I know I should have stopped it. But I didn’t. And honestly, I don’t regret not pulling away. I genuinely like this guy. I should kiss him. I deserved to. At one point, it got much more heated, and I had finally gotten over the bliss and joy and confusion and excitement of kissing this guy that has been my rock for the last 5 months to get my head out of my ass. I told him I didn’t want him to do anything he would later regret doing. And he gave me some line about how he liked me but how he was in a bad spot mentally and how he thought we had something different. And I agreed that we have something, and I reminded him that I felt like I was mentally in a good spot, and that I would support him in whatever he chose to do. And that was it. We stopped kissing. I think we cuddled, and I guess eventually I fell asleep in his bed.

Fast forward a few hours later, and he wakes me up. I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out.

It was good. The anticipation took it from one level to the next. It was almost bliss, again, for this to be happening with a guy I so deeply care about who I’ve been developing feelings for during the past 5 months especially. I couldn’t get back to sleep after. My brain couldn’t shut off – maybe that should have been a sign to leave and go to my own bed and get some real sleep. But I didn’t. I left around 6:45 AM, and went up to my room.

I got ready for the meeting, and went to a coffee shop across the road to get myself and my roommate a coffee (with the lack of sleep, I think I ended up drinking at least 72 coffees during the day). I passed him in the hall, and he looked so good. I know I was blushing. We chatted in passing, and I dropped off the coffees before heading down to the meetings.

And then I got a text.
“I’m really sorry about last night. I feel awful. Kind of why I just completely ducked out of there today…”

So I asked why he was sorry.

“Because I shouldn’t have done that last night. I wasn’t happy. And basically used you to try and make myself happy for a brief moment. Even though I knew it would end up sending me into a deeper spiral. I always fuck things up.”

Ok. So that was kind of soul crushing to read surrounded by about 250 of my colleagues. Here I was, thinking maybe I broke through to this guy, and we finally just got all the tension out of the way that has been building up. He finally opened up to me, personally, and then romantically (I want to vom even typing that).

So I replied. “I don’t really know how to respond to that. But I get it. I feel like people do things when they’re upset to not be upset. I’ll do my best to withhold judgment on that, but kind of shitty for me. But maybe it’s a lesson of not putting myself in that situation? I don’t know. I could have said no, and I didn’t. That’s on me. I feel like there is (was?) obvious tension between us, but maybe that’s just me.”

And then I offered my support to help him go through whatever it is that he’s going through, whether someone to vent to, distract, but I also offered to step back if he needed it. Which maybe he does to figure it all out. And that’s it.

I haven’t gone more than 4 days without talking to him since May. And I don’t want to. But I also feel like I need to give him a few days to sort himself out. And maybe reach out at the end of the week. But I’m also fairly sure that he’s going to visit his LD girlfriend (still not convinced that’s real) at the end of the month. But I don’t know when he’s leaving. So should I just wait it out until he reaches out? Or should I reach out and hopefully don’t message him while he’s with his girlfriend?

Life.

It seems to be a trend for me to be interested in people who are mentally in a bad spot. I want to fix people. I want to help. I want to support. But maybe this is a trend I need to break, or maybe it just shows that above all, I care.

Permanent Limbo

I feel like I’m forever in limbo with all my unavailable boys.

For the most part, I’ve put myself in check with the guy from Texas. I still like him, and we still talk regularly, but I was getting too far into it. And I got butt hurt. And that’s not a good look for me (or anyone for that matter). Sometimes I fall back into it, he’s sweet, and kind, and that fucking southern charm gets me every time. But I quickly pull my head out of my ass and get it together.

So, to the more recent guy, who I’ve done the past few posts about: he’s great. And I feel like I’m putting myself in the exact same situation. He’s not available (apparently).

Anyway, him and I legitimately talk all day. Every day. And I was chatting with one of my girlfriends about him and his (fake) girlfriend and she told me how it is.

She doesn’t think that he has a girlfriend. Based off the fact that we talk all the time. And I made the argument that he’s long distant. So she probably doesn’t even know about me. Which is fine since we’re just friends, right? Anyway, she said that no guy, in his right mind, would think it’s okay to talk to another girl as often as we do. And not that our conversations are overly sexual, but they do have clear and obvious flirtation in it.

So, I’ve been trying to get more details about the girl. But he’s fairly private, however a bit less with me now. But I can’t just start asking questions about her, because that’s weird. He hadn’t talked about her or where she lives since early August. The other night he was talking about how he’s supporting about 4 different areas with work right now, and I told him he deserves a vacation, and he said he was doing a staycation (lame) and I told him he was due for a trip to where she lives, and he said he was going. So I really don’t know. I thought maybe they broke up because a few weeks back he was super short and stressed and less chatty, and I thought maybe that was why, but apparently not.

So dilemma, first, I’m still a bad person for being into someone who has someone else. Secondly, maybe he’s a bad person for talking to me and having this weird relationship we have while he’s in an actual relationship. Or we’re both bad people but like … three lefts make a right, right?

Does Age matter?

Okay guys, I know I’ve been shit at blogging lately. And I apologize. Life is busy and hectic and chaotic etc. And I’m sure if I have any loyal followers that you’ll understand.

Tonight I come to you with a problem.

So the usual.

About a boy.

What a fucking shocker.

Here goes.

He’s a bit older than me (10 years).

We previously worked together (and kind of still do, but not directly).

He’s my go-to person. He’s the first person I talk to every day, and usually one of the last every night (not always because he goes to bed hella early because he’s old AF).

He’s got a LD girlfriend in the states (honestly I’m not exactly convinced she exists, and he hasn’t mentioned her or where she lives in over a month).

Some mutual friends and colleagues question his sexuality.

He came out with my girlfriend and myself the other night on my birthday and it was really cool to spend time with him outside of work. I like his personality, and I think he’s got a good heart. He helps me make choices and I feel like I can go to him about problems. He used to help me with my tinder profile, until I deleted tinder. I felt like he was drifting a bit away from me for a week or so, but he came back around, and shortly after I told him I deleted tinder.

I feel like he’s into me, because why else would a guy talk to me pretty well 24/7? Am I (young and) naive? Should I straight up ask him what the situation is? Should I find a way to use my best friend as an “ice breaker”, so to speak? (Omg, you’ll laugh so hard, she asked me how long I’ve been seeing you without telling her! Ahah ahaha isn’t that funny?! Ahahaha butdoyouactuallylikeme ahahahaha). I feel like that option may work, but I also feel like he’s really smart and will see right through it (why would I hide a great guy from my BFF?).

So I’m blindly reaching out to you, blog readers – if there is anyone out there.

Help me either initiate a bomb ass relationship, or put myself in check before I get hurt by someone else who’s unavailable.

PS, it’s the guy from my post ” Well that clarifies things”

Well, that clarified things

The other night I was talking to one of my closest guy friends (I’ll do a post on him another day, because that’s a good story), and I was telling him about a customer who was hitting on me (it happens quite a bit, but usually they’re in their 60s or older).

As I was talking to him, I mentioned that this particular customer was not “the dream” so he asked me what was the dream, and it took me a few minutes to gather, but this is what I came up with:

  • Someone who’s an old soul like me
  • Someone who would rather binge breaking bad or the office for the tenth time than go out
  • Someone who can be silly
  • Traveller, gypsy soul
  • Board game lover
  • Someone who enjoys reading
  • Someone who won’t bullshit me
  • Baseball fan

Not a huge list of requests (although as someone who’s been single for about a year, maybe I need to cut it back?) but I realized three things.

First, I realized that of all those things that I genuinely care about, my ex only checks two of those, sometimes three. And that’s a big deal to me to really see he is not my match anymore.

Secondly, I want someone with similar interests of mine. In all my relationships I’ve never had much in common with my boyfriends. Which is great because I get to learn new things about things they love, but it seems like they’re never willing to do the same.

Thirdly, and this will bring me into my next big post, the guy that I’ve told this too, pretty well hits all the boxes. And that’s so strange, because when we first started talking I never expected an actual friendship out of it, let alone potentially having emotions towards him.

Life is fucking weird.

It hurts

He got what he wanted and now he’s over it.

I get it.

It can’t be anything. The distance. Trust me, I get it.

But you weren’t supposed to be the same as all the rest.

You’re not supposed to be over it. Not this soon after getting what you wanted.

But I get it now.

I just so badly wanted you to be different.

404: Feels Unavailable

Guys, I don’t get it. 

It’s come to my attention, while chatting with one of my closest friends that maybe I’m into people who are unavailable. 

And not necessarily in a “home-wrecking” sense, before anyone gets their gitch in a knot. 

I’m into people who are physically unavailable. Maybe they live in Texas. I’m into people who are emotionally unavailable. Maybe they are dating someone. I’m into people who are mentally unavailable. Maybe they just lost a loved one. 

And I’m trying to dicipher why this is. And my only explanation is this: I’m not ready to date anyone. So I find comfort in people who aren’t in any position to date me either. We can build this beautiful base of friendship, but it realistically can’t blossom into anything more than that. Not right away anyway. 

This theory conflicts me. Because that means that even after being single for nearly a year, I know I’m still not ready for a new relationship. But that’s also really good that I can recognize that. The old me would have jumped into a rebound and been miserable again. 

So cheers to me for knowing what I’m ready for. Or rather, what I’m not ready for.