Laxatives and Ice Cream

Today I went to Shoppers Drug Mart to pick up a few essentials. In that I included a laxative, because I think with stress of daily life things just aren’t doing what they should be doing.  So I bought some laxatives. No big. It happens.  And my usual routine for that is to go to the old lady cashier when I’m buying something that someone may find embarrassing. Unfortunately for me that’s when the only cute guy in the store decides to walk up and serve me. 

So should out to the guy who kept constant eye contact with me while ringing up my laxatives. 

Yes I’ll have a great night. 

FWB Terms & Conditions

Let me start out by saying I hate the term friends with benefits. Mostly because of the first word. You can’t be friends with someone you have sex with, and if you are, chances are you’re in love, and if you’re not in love, chances are the other person is. I’m a believer in seeing the best in people. But I also know that I can’t have guy friends. It always leads to something beyond friendship and it ends up hurting one of them (usually not me because I’ve learned not to get attached to anyone). 

So why friends with benefits? Honestly? You’re not my friend. I’m not going to tell you when I have a flat tire. I’m not going to call you when I want someone to hang out with and not have sex. No. You have one purpose in my life. That’s it. 

So here are my rules to ensure your benefits doesn’t catch feelings.

1. Never stay past 2AM. Okay. Maybe I took this one from How I Met Your Mother but it’s relevant all the same. It sets boundaries. Like sure I don’t mind to cuddle for 4 minutes after sex. But I want to go home and sleep in my bed where I can pass gas with comfort. Ladies, if you’re thinking “I don’t do that” stop lying to yourself. 

2. No goodbye make out sessions. I tend to make goodbyes as awkward as they come. Usually not intentionally but sometimes it is. This makes them want to leave, or makes them want you to leave that much quicker. 

3. Do not meet their family. Not even siblings. Just don’t do it. They’re going to ask what you are and no one wants to answer that question. Not only do we not want to answer it, we don’t want to think about it and then question the status of “us” as well. Just avoid that all together. 

4. Keep it on a need to know basis. They don’t need to know that Jim from work is being a pretentious ass. They don’t need to know that Carla from back home is knocked up again by her third dude. No. Keep it simple. 

5. If you start catching feelings. Talk to them. If they tell you it’s not like that, walk away. And don’t try to say you won’t let it effect the sex. Because it will. Spare yourself the pain and embarrassment on chasing something or someone who has no interest in being caught. Walk away before it gets worse. 

Girls, they’re all fuck boiz

All. Of. Them.

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking “not my guy”, you’re in denial and you’re an idiot. It’s okay. I’m that idiot too.

The worst ones are the ones that make you think there is no way you’re a fuck boi. You’re way too kind/sweet/polite.

No. Especially him. He’s the ultimate fuck boi. Because he knows exactly what to say to convince you that he can’t be. He’s done this so often that its second nature to him.

Fuck that guy. Figuratively. Or literally, but don’t expect a call back.

Do LDRs ever work?

How do you tell someone that if they lived closer to you that you would husband them without sounding like an obsessed stalker? 

Shout out to the guy who reads this. If you think it’s about you, you’re 100% correct. Please don’t think I’m too crazy. 

I know it wouldn’t work. I’m too needy and finances would not allow visits (let alone lack of vacation time through work) that being said it’s fun to fantasize. Or pretend. 

I think the only relationship I’ll be able to make work in the near future is the ones I make up in my head.

Rip in the Space Time Continum 

I recently transferred from one store within my company to another and it seems like absolutely everything has gone to shit since I’ve left. There has been so much chaos and frustration over who would be taking my position. And now I’m hearing two other people have quit. And about three other are considering.  I have no idea what is causing all of this but I think the hour long gossip phone calls are a good reminder as to why I left.

Working on my Fitness

Today I was getting ready to go for a run while the aunt that I live with was on the phone with another aunt. 

First Aunt: she’s started running. Even though she comes home every day and says she’s exhausted. I think she’s doing it to meet a cute boy while running. 

Me: I’m doing it because no cute boys are exercising me any other way. 

FA: *nearly spits out wine from laughing.* did you hear what she just said? 

It’s officially dawned on me that I really have no filter. 

But hey, if I have any cute bachelors reading this in the GTA area, I really hate running and would much rather be exercised in other ways.